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Fighting cancer hasn't been easy. It's been made more difficult by having to deal with my Father on a daily basis. I miss my Dad. I love my Dad. He's still with me, but he's gone. My Dad spent his whole life helping those in need. He never made a lot of money. He was a teacher, a counselor, a preacher, my hero. He would always talk to the lonely person at a party instead of the guy with a huge audience. He would always visit the sick, the needy. He was the one bringing meals to people on holidays. He counseled so many people of the years. He gave great advice, great encouragement and hope to so many people. I wish that man could talk to my Dad now.
My father has been dealing with a form of dementia for a while now. Yes, he knows who I am. His memory isn't great, but he knows that I'm his boy. You could meet him now & have a good chat with him for 15 minutes and may not notice that anything is wrong. But I know better. My Dad has turned into a different person. It's one of the saddest things that I have ever had to deal with. It is crushing to watch.
My Dad has become self absorbed. He's all about himself now. Yes, he loves me. But he just can't concentrate or give thought to anything except his tiny, little world which is shrinking by the day. He's genuinely sad that I have cancer. But he is obsessed with his own minor problems. My Dad has become an angry man at times. I understand that this isn't really him. It's part of the dementia. But I have argued with him more in the past couple of years than I have in my total life. No matter how insensitive or unitentionally mean my Dad was to me, I always feel guilty for fighting with him.
I cry at night. I've cried much more about my Dad than I have about cancer. It hurts. It also motivates the hell out of me. It's another reason that I fight so hard to live. I have to be around to take care of my Dad. He needs me. He was always there for me. I have to be there for him.
I'll do anything for my Dad. I know my Dad would do anything for me. I miss you Dad. I never forget how kind you were to me when I was growing up. How loving, funny and cool you were. You weren't perfect, but who is? I'll always be there for you Pop.
Links:
Fighting Cancer Isn't Sexy
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
